This true story is broken into various parts and was merged into the original post. Each part is marked in the post. It’s long…
===================== Part 1 ===============
I’ve been going through a lot in the past few weeks, not that I’m really stressed or anything, but a lot of change between switching houses and moving out, getting a job, yadda yadda. Well, I’m a big thinker and a lot has been on my mind, so thought I might as well converse it and speak my mind. Feel free to talk about my opinions here and perspective, it won’t bother me.
It only occurred to me within the last year that the thing I was told growing up, “Everything Happens for a Reason”, was relatively true. The was never a time I ever wanted to hear that because, to me, it sounded like some stupid excuse for people to say, “Life sucks, get over it”. As if there was never any choices you could make to avoid the hard hits life throws at you. It’s not what it meant at all, in fact, it meant exactly what I thought it didn’t mean. You have the freedom to control your life, and your attitude to the way you throw yourself out into the world is probably the most important part about developing character and who you are.
Let’s start from the beginning, my beginning, my VERY beginning, birth. When I was born, there was a conflict between my father and my mother. My mother had ran from my father, and my father made no attempt to see me, afterwards, he moved to Isreal and I had never heard from him until I turned 17. So growing up, I didn’t have a male role model, though it was the thing in life I had always wanted. At the age of 5, my mother remarried (for the third time) to my step dad, Rob. At the time, my step dad was an alcoholic. Until I turned 10 years old, I sat in a house where arguments and fist fights were a regular sight to see. I had a pretty hard childhood.
I like to believe that my childhood experiences caught up to me growing up. I never really had friends as I started out in private school as a rather poor kid. The other students made fun of me for being different. My first friend in kindergarten had moved away within the first half a school year I met her so along side that, I never really made friends with other kids. Half way through grade 5, they moved me to a public school because the private school didn’t have a proper teaching system for the hearing impaired students, I am tone deaf, and have severe hearing loss.
In the public school, no one knew who I was, or that I was poor growing up, nobody knew me. I had a free chance to start over and socialize with other kids. Well, sometimes life throws you a curve ball, and you have to choose to catch it, or let it go. The first day in fifth grade at recess I saw a REALLY tall kid sitting on the playground. I didn’t think too much of him except for the fact that he looked lonely and really depressed. I asked kids about him when I saw him and they told me the kid had autism and no one hung out with him.
This bum candy pissed me off, so I made friends with him. Well, having only one friend, who happens to be autistic, isn’t really easy, the other kids often picked on me and call me retarded for not only being friends with, but defending an autistic kid. 2 years had passed by and this kid moved to middle school, while my b1tch mom held me back in 6th grade. So, I had to start with the kids again. Once again, no friends or anything until the end of the school year. I met my first crush, Angel.
I had a big thing for this girl, but never asked her out #SociallyAwkwardMiddleSchoolStudent. Well, she was apparently waiting for me to ask her out and another boy butt in and I found out I was the jealous type. It had never really occurred to me, but I got pissed and we stopped talking. I had another friend at this time, who is still my friend today, Jordan. Him and I only had band together though. So, throughout the rest of middle school, I was kinda on my own. Students would pick on me for not talking, or avoiding other people, so on and so fourth. One time, a kid punched me in the mouth making a joke about how he could fix my mouth like the fonzy…. ayyyyy.
Moved on to high school, freshman year, met my first blowup doll on a camping tripped, she lived about 45 min away. Total Church girl with so many problems in her life I had to help her out big time. After we broke up came the girl that changed ever thing for me. Curse her name… Penney…
I dated this girl for six months… This girl was EVERYTHING to me. Greatest thing the universe had ever given me. First kiss, first foreplay, she didn’t take my v-card, we never went all the way.
=========== PART 2=============
Continuing on with the story, I left us at meeting Penney in my sophomore year of high school.
It’s actually funny, I really met her when I was in eighth grade, I didn’t realize it at the time though. It was the last day of my middle school life and the school was given a party. Penney was with her friend, Tori, who had this weird thing for me even though I didn’t know her. During the party, the two girls came up to me and asked me to sign their yearbook, me and Penney talked a tad bit, just enough that I could tell she wasn’t really a bad person. She asked me to sign her yearbook, so I wrote in
“I don’t really know you, but have a good summer, Dylan Dodds”
Well, afterwards, I forgot she even existed. I hadn’t heard from her or anything. She just happened to have Band class with me my sophomore year. Well one night, I was actually on Eclipse chatting with someone when my facebook goes off and I get a message. It was this girl and all she said was, “Hey, I remember you, you signed my yearbook in middle school.”, I really didn’t recall at the time, but it kinda led to conversation. A few weeks of talking to this girl, I started to form a pretty solid friendship. One day, I get a new message saying, “So, I have a crush on someone in band and I need advice on talking to him”. IMMEDIATELY my signals are going off. I reply, “Oh that’s pretty cool, is he a percussionist?”, “Yeah”, “Is he in Pit?”, “Yeah”, I literally had to think for a moment and my reply was… “I think you’re really cool and all, and I’m glad we’re friends but, I don’t do the whole relationship thing. I don’t deal with the controversy of a breakup well.”
She kinda understood. Well a few weeks later or so, there was a high school football game and she was crying behind a bus. She explained to me that she had a boyfriend now but her boyfriend didn’t treat her more than friends. She began to cry about how she really didn’t know what it was like to have a guy care about her. Like me, her father left her as a child and she lived with her step dad and her mom. She had a brother, but her sibling lived elsewhere. As far as I was concerned, she was just a little lonely. She asked me what she should do and I said, do what you think is right for you.
A week later they broke up and marching show pre-fest had come around. We had gotten rained out as usual and were waiting in the halls of the school for the rain to blow over before the bus could take us back to our home school. We were in the hall and her and I were staking Coca-Cola cans. I got up to go to the bathroom and my friend Luis and an acquaintance, Megan, were in the next hall over. I kinda had my head bobbed down when my friend stopped me and ask me what was wrong. I told him my situation, of how I liked this girl and really didn’t know what to do. I was always set up for friends ditching me, so I didn’t want to lose her and ask her out. Well, Megan literally grabbed my wrist and brought me over to her, apparently Penney and Megan had french class together. She literally just speed talks something I don’t even know, and she laughs and says “Alright, here’s Dylan” and she just runs off. REALLY weird. Penney started to walk away and I can remember reaching out for her. I asked her out. Easy as that. I just said “I know I said I don’t really do the whole dating thing, but I’m willing to give it a shot with you if you want.”
-September 26th, 2011-
And so it began, I began developing a new personality, I began developing myself into he who dare challenge destiny.
It was October of 2011, Halloween actually. Everything seemed perfect… almost everything… My first kiss. She was kinda growing impatient and about 2 months had rolled by and I never attempted to kiss her. We decided we were going trick-or-treating that night. We had matching mad scientist and assistant costumes and everything. Before we went over to the place to go trick-or-treating, her and I were in my room playing Left 4 Dead 2, because zombies… Well she jokingly said, so when are you going to give me that first kiss.
I totally nailed it… not… I leaned in and it was a quick peck and my heart was racing like freaking hell and I leaned out of it embarressed as hell. Afterwards, she just leaned her head on my shoulder and I put my arm around her. For the first time in my entire life, I could feel the comfort of another person actually care about me. I didn’t feel alone anymore, I didn’t feel sad, or day dreaming about meeting the right girl. Everything in my life had finally felt right to me. But if there’s one thing I knew about life, is it liked to challenge me.
A few months had passed by and it was January of 2012. Me and Penney had our first break up. She was pissed because I was going through some stress about my father trying to come back and my older brother, who’s been in 3 child molestation cases, he faked his way out of the military. I didn’t tell her anything, I didn’t know how to talk to people, my whole life I had dealt with everything alone, my friends took me to the mall where I met this girl named Laura. I was still beat up about Penney, but Laura seemed like a relatable person.
At the end of the weekend, I got a call from Penney crying. She was telling me she was sorry and she really messed up. I told her to give a nights rest, and if she wants to get back together in the morning, I would. So, we did. and everything was alrigh… until march came around… and my brother came home.
=========== Part 3 =============
I remember Marshy dearest pretty vividly. Everything was write until my brother, Jesse showed up… Jesse has never been a trustable person. Growing up he had been in 3 cases of child molestation and basically got away with murder. As a child he was given EVERYTHING and ANYTHING he wanted. My family bought him a mustang at the age of 16 which he messed that car up within 2 years. He was also sent to private school with a high end tuition that my grandparents paid out of pocket for, and he almost failed and graduated from a completely different school. He was accepted into the United States Army, which he pretended to have serious kidney stone passing to get a medical discharge on during basic training. Life was given to my brother, and he bum candy on it.
Sometime in March of 2012, Jesse had moved back into our house after spitting in my mother’s face and being kicked out for the first time. He had know where to go, and why my mother accepted him back in is beyond me. He was living in the family living room which was full of food wrappers, dirty clothes, and, well he sat on his arse all day doing nothing (within the week of living there already). Penney wanted to come over every now and then and I kept deny her the opportunity. I was stressed to hell with my older brother. To this day I wasn’t really sure what was going through my head, call it stress, call it a mistake… I had the idea that my older brother was going to try and harm her.
I was at the mall on March 19th, 2012. Me and some friends were hanging out when I got a call from Penney asking me if I wanted to go to the state fair the following week. Something shocked through me and I told her no. She asked why and I told her I was thinking about making a change in our relationship and I didn’t want her to be mad at me. A short few hours flew by and I tried called her to talk to her about it and her best friend’s mother answered the phone. The woman told me I was being an arsehole and that Penney didn’t want to talk to me. The next morning, I got a phone call and Penney broke up with me with a big “F*** you”. That was is, I was devastated. I knew this time I was not going to get her back…
After a few weeks she told me I was mentally unstable, that I was slowly falling apart. She begged me to let her help me and I tried to at first, I really did. But I was so sick of being torn to shreds. Jesse had finally moved back out, but I was still stressed over my father who had tried to show back up in my life, My mother, who, well, we’ll go into that later, and losing my best friend and blowup doll, Penney. After time I got a phone call from Penney’s step dad. I was told that Penney asked him to tell me that she didn’t want to talk to me. He explained to me it was her choice and not his.
I swear a month or two had gone by before a ever got any sort of response from her. All I could think about in my life, was her. Finally she started talking to me, she asked me if I would please start therapy or counseling at the school before I got any worse. I had severe depression and anxiety at this point, and what later developed into Dissociation, which I will go into later. My whole world was clouded. There was no motivation or a will to live. I did as she said in hopes to win her back and I walked into the SAP, Student Assistant Program, at the high school. Where I met a woman named Kelsey.
From here we talked twice a week and I was later recommended for a therapist at the county’s mental health clinic to a woman named Lisa. After talking to her for another month or so, I was recommended to the Medical Nurse named, Melody. Melody prescribed me to medication, Zoloft and Abilify, anti-depressents.
After a few weeks of pills I honestly saw no change in my behavior or attitude. I started smoking, I started drinking, I started Pot… Guess you can say I really wasn’t myself then, or as I thought, I was more myself than I had ever been, Lonely, Afraid, and Devastated. Those personalities fit me pretty well. Within the month of starting medication I attempted suicide and told Penney that I was going to kill myself later that night. She gave me some stare I can never forget. She was pissed. I remember talking to her on the phone that night and she cried. Of course, as most people would have it, I didn’t have the nerve to kill myself. I tried popping pills. I spit them out before I even thought about it. This is where I want to make my first life law, there will be a few more of these as my personality and life develops.
! The fear to kill yourself isn’t a weakness, it’s a strength. This is called Will Power. It’s your strong will and dedication to keep living and moving forward. You said no, because you want to keep fighting.
I’m going to pause here and break this into another part, but I’m going to write the next part right now. Reason for this, I want to explain something to people, before they assume the wrong idea….
As most of you will notice I told Penney about the suicidal act before attempting it. This was obviously a cry out for attention, I will admit it. And given my past life, it’s plain to see: Attention is all I wanted. So from here on out, anytime I do something stupid and tell her about it, it was a cry for attention, that I will not deny. I would appreciate it if you kept the discussion about this to a minimum as I know it’s a normal teen thing to do and it sounds stupid, I realize this and I really don’t care to hear for it.
The same old routines repeat for the next 3 years or so, pissed, argue, drama, suicide, so on and so fourth. Well, September of 2013 rolls around. For the first time I hard started cutting my wrists. I wouldn’t have admitted it then, but now it was a cry for her attention. Everyone in my life doubts me at this point, doubts that I’m capable of anything, there’s nothing that is motivating me now, and it wasn’t just Penney, it moved on to my family problems, I stopped talking to my father, I stopped talking to everyone, everyone but Damian anyway, which I will go into after the follow segment, for now, I’m not going to tell you a damn thing about who Damian is or when he stepped into my life, I want everyone to see exactly what I thought and saw as it was happening. Some of the words I might not have exact, but this is the general idea of what went down…. Conversation:
Damian: You really see yourself as a useless sack of waste don’t you, Dylan?
Me: How could you not? I’m worth literally NOTHING to ANYBODY, not even myself.
Damian: Well if life is that ducking hard for you, why can’t you end it?
Me: Because I’m a coward, nothing more, nothing less. I don’t understand this world, and obviously I’m not meant for it. What if my point here is just to make other walk on me and better them selves, then I won’t be such a damn disappointment for anyone.
Damian: Alright, you want to prove you don’t mean anything to this world, prove it. Here’s a blade, if you wanna die, I will watch you do it, and I’ll make sure you don’t coward out. Prove to me you’re ready to leave and that there’s not a ducking thing round here for you. Prove to Penney that you’re stronger than you say. If you honest to sake think you’re not worth bum candy, then this wouldn’t mean a bum candy to you or anyone you standby. I’ll just sit back and watch you bleed, you know I can’t stop you when you’re like this.
–-- I just sit and stare at the blade for two minutes. ------
Me: Can I just have a minute to myself…
Damian: Fine, I’ll give you one minute.
By the time Damian came back, there were razor scratches all up and down my arm. They weren’t deep, and they weren’t vital, but they were there and they were visible. I had already sent Penney an image of the cuts and I was on my hands and knees. I wasn’t crying, I was laughing.
Damian: New move? You’re seriously stooping to this? You HONESTLY think she will take you back over self harm?
Me: That’s not the point anymore. She’s not EVER going to take me back, don’t you get it? I don’t want her to feel bad for me and take me back. I want her to blame herself, I want her to regret what she’s done. But no, Not just her, EVERYONE. I want every god dammed person in this world to regret the pain I’ve gone through.
Damian: That’s stupid as hell and you know it.
The next day, I got a call to Kelsey’s office, from there to the school’s resource officer… and from the resource officer, I was put in cuffs and into a cop car… from the cop car, to the mental wing at the hospital just down the road. I was 18 and no one could turn it down. By the Baker Actment law of Florida, I was forced to stay 3 days in a mental hospital for mental rehabilitation.
I called Penney’s number and we talked… and talked… we talked little things, we talked about what I had done, and why it was stupid. We talked about what it was like sleeping in the hospital without anyone, being limited on the people who could visit and talk to me and how long she thought I’d be locked up. We talked about me seeing the psychologist and how he didn’t think I’d recover fully (mentally) within the next few years and how he doubled my anti-depressent in take. We talked about how everyone in there treated you like a 3 year old child and talked to you like you had no grasp around reality. We talked about how the other people in there were lost and confused, probably worse than me. We talked about Damian, and finally, I asked her to visit me.
Dylan’s Laws of life #2
! The secret to a better life, is a better attitude. That being said, you should learn to fight your internal conflict and turn negativity into motivation. Negative emotions come on a lot harder and a lot more strong and effective then positive ones. It’s obviously easier to fall into a hole than to climb out. So, what happens if you turn stronger, negative emotions, into more powerful motivation.
! Learn to push yourself forward by propelling. Don’t EVER waste your energy sulking, that’s just counter productive.
So, I do want to strike this up, in the next part I won’t be going forward, i’m going to be back tracking a bit and talking about my old friend Damian and why he’s important to the mental hospital. I want to explain why he said what he said and why he did what he did. So, this actual part of the story won’t be continued for another 2 parts.